Dangerous friendships

School opening days are certified hazards to any parent's fiscal health, thirst for liquids alcoholic always reach their zenith whenever one is experiencing serious fiscal problems, and these two relatively unrelated phenomena somehow managed to forge a working relationship in my life last week.

And boy, did they work or what! By thursday, I was tight in the clutches of near-violent withdrawal symptoms due to the balance of the blood-alcohol ratio in my system showing extreme bias on the side of blood. By friday, I was day-dreaming about brown bottles every waking moment of the day, and when I actually day-dreamed about the same brown bottles on saturday night, I realised the time for desperate measures was just about overdue. So I picked up my mobile and made probably the worst mistake of my life.

For about one month now, WafulaKimani has been suspended from my life for being a genuine bona-fide safety risk, but I was desperate and besides, I must admit an inability to stay away from the potential for a Prison break-season-4 like drama being around him always promises. So I called him to announce his reinstatement as my friend and to beg for delivery from alcohol deficiency.

As I should have expected, WafulaKimani as calmly as a joint-presidenial press conference in Iraq tset about disrupting whatever semblance of tranquility I may have enforced in my life for the past month with a single-mindedness of purpose that was positively terrifying. "Beer, my friend?!" His voice howled down my earpiece. "I'm practically drowning in the stuff! By all means, come by and knock yourself out!"

Thus reprieved, I hurried over to his place and sure enough, the fridge did indeed hold all the beer that he hadn't stuffed under the bed. "I have a ranking officcer friend in the army." He whispered conspirationally at my look of amazement .

We drank until around 11pm when suddenly, my friend requested that I accompany him to see a girl somewhere. Under normal circumstances, this would have been an innocent enough request, but in this case three things made it something else alltogether.

1. It is never a good idea to accompany WafulaKimani anywhere at night.

2.The idea gets even worse if he makes the request while drunk.

3. If the request to accompany him starts with the words "There is this girl..." Then you are in alot of trouble.

But WafulaKimani is my friend and he had just done me a good deed, so I smothered my reservations and we called a taxi which took us and dropped us off infront of a house in Jericho. Then with the self-assurance of someone familliar with the place, my friend led me up the steps and rang the doorbell.

The door was opened by a lovely young lady who upon seeing WafulaKimani, gave what I think was a cross between a smile and a grimace."Oh, Darling." She muttered. "You shouldn't have come. My brother is home..." She was cut short by the appearance of a very angry-looking young man who shoved her aside and accosted us. "How may I help you?" He rudely demanded.

"By slithering back to whatever hole it is you emerged from and letting me and the lady finish our conversation. "WafulaKimani replied, very politely.

Despite the darkness and the alcohol in my brain, I swear I saw the guy's face go through the entire color spectrum.

"Who do you think you are?" He spluttered. "Do you know who I am? How dare you talk to me like that?"

"I know who I am, I don't give a crap who you are and I'm telling you that if you don't let me finish my conversation with the lady, I will kick you so hard between the legs that your reproductive organs will exit through your skull. You got that?" WafulaKimani's tone never changed.

The expression on the guy's face was like none I have ever seen before. Shooting us a murderous glare, he turned and stormed back into the house and we smiled in triumph. WafulaKimani then turned to finish his conversation with his lady friend but to our utter puzzlement, she simly said "Run." and vanished into the house.

We were still puzzled when a very long barrel appeared through the window a few seconds later, but an omnious click suggested that it was a gun and slightly eased our puzzlement. A loud report confirmed that it was indeed a gun, and an eruption of soil near our feet totally erased any doubts as to whether the gun was loaded. Another click advised us on the wisdom of seeking urgent and immediate appointments elsewhere, and we quickly heeded it.

At the moment,WafulaKimani's ban from my life has been re-instated